Sanctuary for the Abused
Friday, April 20, 2018
Attention: Protective Parents in Family Courts
by Diana Winslow
The US Department of Justice is ready now to consider cases of chaos caused by State child and family courts. USDOJ is calling for child custody outlines in a format. The purpose of providing the outline is for the writer to simply and systematically give structured information regarding the problem case in question.
The US Department of Justice wants timelines of these outrageous cases.
Just complete and send your case in this format to: Mary Seguin firstname.lastname@example.org by January 15, 2014 so she can provide them to the DOJ. The USDOJ invitation was issued to the representing group at the Summer March and Congressional Briefing: The California Protective Parents Association.
1. Contact information:
4. Former employment:
5. Criminal record (arrests and convictions):
Who your former partner/husband/wife is
3. Former employment:
4. Criminal record (arrests and convictions):
Reports of physical or sexual assault/battery and/or incest
1. Law enforcement (give name of office and address):
Date, Name and title of officer, Outcome of investigation and report:Child Protective Services (give name of office and address):
2. Social worker/Counselor/Other
Date, Name and title of worker, Outcome (including not reporting to criminal authorities to investigate):
3. Court personnel (give title and address):
Date, Name and title of professional, Outcome(including not reporting to criminal authorities to investigate):
4. Other offices/individuals:
Date, Name and title of professional, Outcome (including not reporting to criminal authorities to investigate):
Intimidation against you that deterred you from reporting
1. Who intimidated you:
2. How were you intimidated:
1. Who gave you a gag order (name, title, date, place):
2. Rationale given for gag order to not talk about these recurring crimes of incest and assault and battery.
3. Removal of child(ren) from you after you reported criminal physical or sexual assault/battery and/or incest:
Response from Social Services
1. Name and title of person(s), recommendations for investigation/ removal/ supervision:
2. Date of recommendation and where recommendation was filed:
3. Name and title of person ordering removal of children (if removal was ordered) :
4. Date of order and where order was filed:
1. Name and title of person recommending supervised visits:
2. Reason given for recommendation:
3. Name and title of person who ordered supervised visits:
4. Date and place order was made:
5. Name of specific visitation center you were ordered to attend:
6. Amount of fees:
7. Dates and times you were ordered to attend:
8. If you were not ordered to a specific visitation center, name of visitation center you chose:
9. Was this center paid by the county:
Motions you filed for relief
1. Date and place filed:
2. Who filed the motion:
3. What lawyers were involved:
4. Outcome of the motion:
*At the end of the time line, please provide note: “Supporting evidence is being compiled in exhibits.”
U.S. Department of Justice
950 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, DC 20530-0001
Thursday, April 19, 2018
Loved? No: Dishonored and Abused
Loved? Dishonored, and Abused
Hey Honey, "express yourself"...
("wife" in this article can also mean "significant other"... such as girlfriend, etc.)
- be sure to tell your wife that the only reason she married you was so she could sit around the house all day and do nothing, even though she was fifteen weeks pregnant at the time and in a high risk category due to a previous miscarriage and on doctor's orders to REST REST REST
- also tell her that the only reason she wrote for the newspaper was so she could provoke, because you were jealous of the fact that she could write what the people want to hear, and you couldn't
- act like you can never have anything by throwing everything you own in the garbage, or out the bedroom window. (I remember looking out our window one day to see stuffed toys that had been torn apart, laying on the lawn for the superintendent of the building to clean up; at first I didn't realize what the mess was until I took a good look, then I was completely stunned... even more-so when I realized they were the stuffed mementos that belonged to my husband!)
- You could even fake walking in your sleep in order to scare your wife -- pretending to attempt climbing out your bedroom window (I should have let him; we were on the third floor).
- leave the room that you're in, acting perfectly normal, then go into the bathroom and pound your fist into your hand when you're in the bathroom alone talking to yourself
- when pounding your fist into your hand be sure to whisper loudly "bam, bam, bam"
- when you're done doing this come out of the bathroom and return to the room you were in; when your wife asks you if all is okay look at her dumbfounded & answer "yes, why wouldn't it be?"
- you could take a butcher knife to your work shirts and shred them, then throw them into the closet so that when your wife is cleaning she will find them and "feel guilty because she must have upset poor little you."
- or you could just tear your shirts apart with your bare hands
- take out your anger by banging your head and your feet onto your vehicle (this was witnessed on more than one occasion by a neighbor)
- when your wife wishes to discuss something respond with yelling and screaming
- don't forget to drool like a wild animal while you're yelling and screaming, a documented trait of an abuser
-add the touch of pounding and kicking the furniture while you respond to discussion (more often than not I was sitting on this furniture)
- if perhaps you might want to respond in a reasonable tone, do so with these words: "I don't know", "I don't remember", or "I don't want to talk about it"
- after you have repeated the above words like they're the only ones in your vocabulary, sit on the sofa with your arms at your side, your shoulders slouched, your chin hanging, your eyes glazed over, and your tongue hanging slightly out of your mouth so that you appear as an "idiot" as defined in the dictionary; this intimidation is used to 'scare' your wife into thinking she's 'really done it this time' therefore she'll back off and leave poor little you alone
- when you're screwing around on your wife (or significant other) be sure to look her straight in the eye and tell her you love her and tell all your friends & family you love her too. Repeatedly.
- when your wife catches you in one of your numerous lies be sure to go ballistic and blame her
- you could also choke her and throw her to the floor by her neck, and just to make sure she learned her lesson you could also go for her throat again a few days later
- and always, always remember, that everything that goes wrong in your life is your wife's fault.
There's even more:
- your ex-wife tells your present wife that you used to start fires in the basement to keep warm after a night of drinking, with her & the baby asleep upstairs... oh, and your ex-wife knew the dents in your car were from your head and your feet
-you stay up half the night on internet porn sites then blame your step-child's boyfriend for the access charges or download history (meanwhile he hadn't even been to our residence at these times, or on our computer at all for that matter).
- the floor under where you were sitting at the computer half the night is all gooey in the morning (I am not kidding...at first I thought it was 'cat barf' but upon further inspection I came to the realization of exactly what it was. A couple of nights I walked out into the living room when he was on the computer to the wee hours of the morning; as soon as he saw me he immediately shut the computer off).
- even after it was proven that you were the only one accessing the porn sites on the net, up half the night doing who knows what to yourself, you still persist in yelling & screaming at the top of your lungs at your wife, that it wasn't you; your own ex-wife will tell the current wife that is your response when you've been caught red-handed (in this case 'one-handed') at something.
Oh, here's the best one of all:
- drink out of a glass that is obviously sitting & soaking at the back of the counter away from everything else and realize the glass has Javex in it, freak out & accuse your wife of trying to poison you, meanwhile the cupboard is full of clean glasses and you always, always get cold water from the filter jug in the fridge; just another thing to "blame your wife for"
- bang holes in the wall with an obvious object then claim to know nothing about it
- take all your friends phone numbers out of the memory system on the phone while in one of your 'feel sorry for me' moods then yell & scream at your wife that you can't have any friends (the only reason my hubby did this was because I liked his 'outside of work' friends & enjoyed visiting them; but with my hubby, I was supposed to bitch & complain about them, not have a good word to say about them, and not want him to associate with them; now you know where I'm coming from with 'mind games & twisted facts'; if you think you're confused just imagine living with this psychopath)
- tell your wife that she is insignificant, her existence is meaningless, and she is a burden, just like you told her your first wife was
- when the curtains that your wife bought from a friend who smokes interfere with her breathing, as she has asthma, and your wife has to sleep in another room, be sure to go apesh*t & accuse her of being pissed off at you because you were on the computer half the night, put your boots on & proceed to leave the house over 'her issues.'
- be sure to obliterate your wife in everyone else's eyes, especially when your own mother tells you that your temper will ruin your life & your wife comes out looking better than you do; you must destroy her image in everyone's eyes because you're afraid of the truth coming out
- you must convince everyone else that your wife is a psycho.
(NOTE: Women can be just as abusive and crazy-making as men.)
Wednesday, April 18, 2018
They suffer silently, consumed by a dread of sexual pleasure and filled with fear and sexual self-doubt. They feel profoundly at odds with a culture that tirelessly promotes sex but is strangely unconscious about sexuality. It is not inhibited sexual desire they are experiencing, although often they possess a naiveté, an innocence, or even a prejudice against sex. It is not sexual dysfunction, although their suffering often wears the mask of physical problems that affect sex. It is not about being cold and unresponsive although that certainly is a way in which they protect themselves against the hurt. It is not about religious belief, although religious sexual oppression may have been a place to hide. It is not about guilt and shame, although those feelings are powerfully experienced. Nor is it about sexual betrayal or risk or rejection, although those are common themes. It is simply the emptiness of profound deprivation, a silent suffering called sexual anorexia.
Sexual anorexia is an obsessive state in which the physical, mental, and emotional task of avoiding sex dominates one's life. Like self-starvation with food or compulsive dieting or hoarding with money, deprivation with sex can make one feel powerful and defended against all hurts. As with any other altered state of consciousness, such as those brought on by chemical use, compulsive gambling or eating, or any other addiction process, the preoccupation with the avoidance of sex can seem to obliterate one's life problems. The obsession can then become a way to cope with all stress and all life difficulties. Yet, as with other addictions and compulsions, the costs are great. In this case, sex becomes a furtive enemy to be continually kept at bay, even at the price of annihilating a part of oneself.
The word anorexia comes from the Greek word orexis,meaning appetite. An-orexis, then, means the denial of appetite. When referring to food appetite, anorexia means the obsessive state of food avoidance that translates into self-starvation. Weight concerns and fear of fat transform into a hatred of food and a hatred of the body because the body demands the nurturance of food. food anorexics perceive bodily cravings for sustenance as a failure of self-discipline. The refusal to eat also becomes a way for food anorexics to reassert power against others, particularly those who may be perceived as trying to control the anorexic, trying in some manner to prevent the anorexic from being his or her "true" self. Ironically, many food anorexics are driven by a powerful need to meet unreal cultural standards about the attractiveness of being thin. A terror of sexual rejection rules their thoughts and behaviors and is a primary force behind this striving for thinness. The irony here is that sexual anorexics share precisely the same terror.
Specialists in sexual medicine have long noted the close parallels between food disorders and sexual disorders. Many professionals have observed how food anorexia and sexual anorexia share common characteristics. In both cases, the sufferers starve themselves in the midst of plenty. Both types of anorexia feature the essential loss of self, the same distortions of thought, and the agonizing struggle for control over the self and others. Both share the same extreme self-hatred and sense of profound alienation. But while the food anorexic is obsessed with the self-denial of physical nourishment, the sexual anorexic focuses his or her anxiety on sex. As a result, the sexual anorexic will typically experience the following (not all, only a couple need be present):
- a dread of sexual pleasure
- a morbid and persistent fear of sexual contact
- obsession and hyper vigilance around sexual matters
- avoidance of anything connected with sex
- preoccupation with others being sexual
- distortions of body appearance
- extreme loathing of body functions (theirs & others)
- obsessional self-doubt about sexual adequacy
- rigid, judgmental attitudes about sex
- excessive fear and preoccupation with sexual diseases
- obsessive concern or worry about the sexual activity of others
- shame and self-loathing over sexual experiences
- depression about sexual adequacy and functioning
- intimacy avoidance and abusing others because of sexual fear
- self-destructive behavior or abusive behavior to limit, stop, or avoid sex
Sexual anorexics can be men as well as women. Their personal histories often include sexual exploitation or some form of severely traumatic sexual rejection-or both. Experiences of childhood sexual abuse are common with sexual anorexics, often accompanied by other forms of childhood abuse and neglect. As a result of these traumas, they may tend to carry dark secrets and maintain seemingly insane loyalties that have never been disclosed. In fact, sexual anorexics are for the most part not conscious of the hidden dynamics driving them. Although obsessed with sexual avoidance, they are nonetheless also prone to sexual binging, occasional periods of extreme sexual promiscuity, or "acting out in much the way that bulimics will binge with compulsive overeating and then purge by self-induced vomiting. Sexual anorexics may also compensate with other extreme behaviors such as chemical or behavioral addictions, codependency, or deprivation behaviors like dieting, hoarding, saving, cleaning, or various phobic responses. The families of sexual anorexics may also present extreme patterns of behavior and thought. Finally, the sexual anorexic is likely to have been deeply influenced by a cultural, social, or religious group that views sex negatively and supports sexual oppression and repression.
Sexual anorexia, therefore, can wear many masks. Consider the sexual trauma victim who takes care of her pain by compulsively overeating. People focus on her obesity, not noticing the hidden anorexic agenda of avoiding being desirable to anyone. Or think of the alcoholic who has never been sexual except when drinking. The prospect of being sexual while sober is so intimidating that a broader "abstinence" is embraced. For most sexual anorexics, however, a complex array of extremes exists. When a person's appetites are excessive we use words like addiction or compulsion. But excesses are often accompanied by extreme deprivations for which we use terms like anorexia or obsession. In fact, these seemingly mutually exclusive states can exist simultaneously within a person and within a family. Consider the case of a sexually addicted alcoholic heterosexual male. The further his drinking and sexual behavior get out of control, the harder and more compulsively his wife works (the more she behaves hyper responsibly), and the more she shuts down sexually (anorexia). These disorders are not occurring in isolation. But the end result is that the problem of sexual anorexia is not likely to get addressed because it lacks the clarity and drama of the drinking, the sexual acting out, and the workaholism.
People minimize the problem of sexual anorexia. After all, whoever died of a lack of sex? Yet, as we see in this book, the physical and psychological consequences of sexual anorexia are severe, and the problem is central to understanding the entire mosaic of extreme behaviors.
This book focuses on the suffering of the sexual anorexic. Sexual anorexia is as destructive as the illnesses that often accompany it, and behind which it often hides, such as alcoholism, drug addiction, sexual addiction, and compulsive eating. It resides in emotion so raw that most sufferers would wish to keep it buried forever were it not so painful to live this way. Sexual anorexia feeds on betrayal, violence, and rejection. It gathers strength from a culture that makes sexual satisfaction both an unreachable goal and a nonnegotiable demand. Our media focus almost exclusively on sensational sexual problems such as rape, child abuse, sexual harassment, or extramarital affairs. When people have problems being sexual, we are likely to interpret the difficulty as a need for a new technique or a matter of misinformation. For those who suffer from sexual anorexia, technique and information are not remotely enough. Help comes only through an intentional, planned effort to break the bonds of obsession that keep anorexics stuck.
This book is intended as a guide to support that effort. The early chapters help the reader understand sexual anorexia: how it starts, and how it gathers such strength. The last twelve chapters present a clinically tested and proven plan for achieving a healthy sexuality. This program has worked for many, many people. It is safe. It is practical. It works if the sufferer follows the guidelines and has the appropriate outside support. It will not be easy because the obsession was created in the first place by intimate violations and shattered trust. Yet step by step, healing can be effected so that the sufferer can learn to trust the self as well as others.
The plan is designed to involve a network of external support made up of partners, therapists, close friends, clergy, and so on. The book will explain the importance of having these "fair witnesses" along on the journey to health and freedom. Breaking the isolation is essential to dismantling the dysfunctional beliefs and loyalties that keep people in pain.
from: SEXUAL ANOREXIA by Dr. Patrick Carnes
Monday, April 16, 2018
Goodbye, Martyr Man
By Melinda H.
"This is an excerpt from a letter that I wrote (but never sent, because he doesn't need more of my attention) to a manipulative jerk who is no longer part of my life. I am sending it on to you, in the hope that my experience could help someone else gain the mental clarity needed to broom some manipulator ass to the curb."
You will always be the victim, in every situation where someone tries to get close to you. You cannot relate to women as equals. You look for a strong-willed woman, latch on to her, but envy her strength and ability to express herself openly, so you attack her in vicious little ways. Ways so subtle that you can easily and convincingly deny any wrongdoing and make HER look like the crazy one for even suspecting that you are a passive-aggressive game player.
You played similar games with women before, and this was a chief motivator for their anger and "abuse" towards you. If they struck you physically, that was not right, but when you paint yourself as a martyr, you *always* fail to mention the emotional and psychological abuse you were inflicting on THEM.
That's right, Martyr. You are an abuser. You. Poor little cringing, eternally victimized you.
"But abusers scream, yell and hit, and I never do that!" you protest. "I'm not that way at all. I don't have the anger gene. I am completely incapable of anger."What you are incapable of is the truth. But I am capable of the truth and here it is.
You ARE capable of anger. In fact, you are a very angry person, as your father before you must have also been - he is clearly the one upon whom you have modeled your behavior. Like him, you were too intimidated by other people to express your anger openly, so you nursed your rage in secret and struck out instead in subtle little ways. If you were asked to do something, you made sure you "forgot" repeatedly or did a poor job. You no doubt carry this behavior on in your work and it is the reason most of the other employees don't like you. People tend not to like someone who does not do his share of the work and is sullen and resistant to new ideas. They are probably tired of your constant subterfuge and backstabbing. No doubt you also play the divide-and-conquer game, playing people off against one another.
You haven't said much about your mother, but I'll make a few educated guesses. She was a strong-willed woman who dominated you and your father, and you both resented it, but neither of you ever told her so directly. Neither of you had the courage to assert yourselves openly. So you both "got even" with her by lying, false promises, "forgetting" or otherwise sabotaging things she asked you to do, and/or withholding your attention and love. Your casual remark about what you did with her books after her death was quite breathtaking in its heartlessness.
Your mother was a model for how you view women today. As I have previously said, you go after women with strong, assertive personalities, because they fit your mother's model and because you admire them for the qualities that you yourself lack. However, you also hate them because they are strong and you are weak. Because you cannot assert yourself openly, you play psychological games designed to break them down, subvert their will, and subtly - invisibly - assert YOUR control.
That's right, Martyr Man. You want control. You are not able to control yourself and so you are controlled by others - but you resent it. So you get a feeling of control by manipulating situations with a deft, invisible hand. You "forget" that a woman asked you to do something. You "forget" NOT to do something she finds hurtful or disrespectful.
You remember to do the things YOU enjoy and want to do, and your friends think you're a great guy - the kind of guy who would do anything for his friends! (Of course you would - your reputation depends on maintaining an appearance of kindness and willingness, and anyone who doesn't know you WELL would say what a nice guy you are - you would do anything to maintain that image). But when your partner asks you to do something, you suddenly lose your memory. You wander off and fail to return, leaving her to wonder where the hell you are, getting off on her discomfort and distress. If she does something you REALLY don't like, such as attempt to leave you, you hint around at suicide and disappear, leaving her to agonize for days over your fate. Really, you're off hanging out with your buddies and drinking and having fun, but she doesn't need to know that, does she?
No doubt she has noticed the fact that after your initial, highly romantic and complimentary approach, you do a complete about-face once she's "hooked" - like Jerkily and Hyde. Once she's in a relationship with you, the kind and gentle and loving courtship behavior ceases, and the passive-aggressive battle begins. First, you begin by slowly and subtly creating distance between you - by spending less time with her every day (always her fault, because of something SHE did...) withholding your attention and affection, making sure she gets the message that your friends, your other interests, EVERYTHING else are more important to you than the person you called the love of your life. When she challenges you about this behavior, you deny it, and make her out to be irrational and crazy for even suspecting it. After all, the success of a passive-aggressive campaign depends on secrecy and camouflage.
You lie easily, leaving out little details like a wife you haven't yet legally severed ties to, and children that you almost never see. You haven't got a divorce, and you won't, because even though you hate your wife, you feel chained to her. You are dependent on her. It's a parasitic relationship. No doubt she was angry with you because you provoked her, getting a charge out of her frustration and rage, and taking full opportunity to twist the situation around until you could make yourself out to be the victim. I haven't the faintest doubt you have cheated on her many times and lied to her many times, and that was the real cause of the attack that so wounded you emotionally. You brought it on yourself, but you won't admit that part. She's completely evil, in your little fairy tale, and you are the innocent little lamb, incapable of even the slightest twinge of anger.
Every human being on this planet feels anger. You yourself have expressed anger many times to me, not the least of which was your last letter. Yet, you still cling to this desperate delusion that you are incapable of anger.
That's a lie, Mr. Martyr. One of many.
Lies undermine the trust that is vital to all relationships. But you don't care about that as long as you can feel in control. Even when control comes at the expense of love, and that is sad.
Nobody can get close to you, Martyr Man. You'll let them within a certain distance, but then you are frightened by intimacy and of your will being sublimated to another's because deep down inside you know you are not strong enough to assert your own will openly and directly. No wonder you hate bluntness, straightforwardness, truth. Those things rob you of your defense mechanisms and make you feel naked and helpless. You cannot trust another person. Instead, you use passive-aggressive techniques to distance yourself from others and gain control over them. You wither under direct confrontation, but when you are able to operate undetected, you are a cruel and effective bully.
Games You Play:
1. The forgetting game:
You are asked to do something you don't want to do. Instead of saying no, you either "forget" about it or sabotage it so badly that the results are useless. You enjoy the frustration this causes others - this is your sneaky way of asserting yourself and controlling the situation from behind the scenes.
2. The withholding game:
Once in a relationship with someone, you begin to selectively withhold your time and affection. The other person senses this pulling away and asks about it. You deny it. But you let them know, indirectly, that many other things are more important to you than they are - your friends, your work, your opera DVDs. You let them know this by leaving their company to pursue these interests without telling them you are doing so. You enjoy the feeling of being in control, knowing you have falsely promised someone your attention later in the evening and knowing you have no intention of fulfilling that promise. You will "forget" to come back, and enjoy your evening alone knowing you are ruining someone else's.
When the person confronts you about this treatment, you will act put out at the suggestion that your actions should live up to your words. You just can't remember to keep your promises! But you always remember the score you needed to finish, the DVD you needed to watch, the book you needed to read, the friends who needed your help. You know full well that this will have the effect of making your partner feel small and insignificant, and that's just the way you like your partner to feel - that way she will be more dependent on you, desperate for your attention, and under your control.
3. The lying game:
Lies roll smoothly off your tongue whenever you are confronted about your behavior and/or something you failed to mention about your past, such as being currently married and the father of two children (now that is a big thing to "forget", even if you alienated them so badly that they don't want to spend any time with you any more). Lying by omission is lying, pure and simple. But you didn't lie on purpose, you claim. No, you just forgot, or your emotional pain was so great that you just couldn't bear to tell the truth!
4. The deflecting game:
Partner becoming suspicious of your lies? No matter, just deflect the attention! Change the subject, wander off, or start ruthlessly (and falsely) putting yourself down so that she won't have the heart to be "mean" enough to pursue the matter any further. If she persists, then you play:
5. The martyr game:
This is your favorite game of all. This game allows you to escape responsibility for anything and everything by invoking your status as the most misunderstood, mistreated, helpless and victimized martyr who ever walked the earth. Nobody understands you or your pain! Don't they see that being a victim completely justifies the way you turn around and become a victimizer at will? Nobody could ever suspect poor little abused, tormented you of torpedoing relationships.
Nobody could expect such an innocent little lamb of deliberately causing emotional and psychological damage to others. Why, look at the way he cries and curls up into a helpless little ball when confronted (and when the lying and deflecting games don't work)! He could never harm ANYONE. He's so broken up over all the deaths in his family, even though they occurred YEARS ago and EVERYONE has to deal with death at some point in their lives. Broken up over the death of his friend, so much that he can't be held responsible for any of his lying, manipulative behavior. Because no one else ever suffered the way he has suffered. The Martyr has no pity or compassion for anyone else, since he saves it all for himself.
6. The superior game:
Unlike all the other people on Earth, you're incapable of anger. You're a regular Gandhi, full of kindness and respect for all, and it's such a tragedy that other people feel the need to get angry at you. You'd never push someone's buttons until they responded in anger and then deny any wrongdoing, setting them up to look like the emotional, crazy one. You'd never get satisfaction out of a nasty little game like that, because you're too superior. You're also superior to the rest of the world culturally - nobody is as sensitive and artistic as you, and nobody appreciates your kind of music, or appreciates it at such a lofty level. You especially love to pull this routine after you've seriously pissed somebody off. You respond with calm politeness - calm of course, since you have got the angry/upset reaction you were aiming for - and double-whammy the person by showing them how YOU never get angry because you are too superior a person to be capable of anger. If someone shows any personality trait that could be considered a flaw, you pull this same routine and let them know that YOU are incapable of such personality flaws, because YOU are so much better than they are.
No wonder you're so angry at being unmasked publicly. Your games depend on your victim not knowing what's going on.
You are not interested in confronting your problems or getting any help for them. You'd rather just float through life like a spineless jellyfish, stinging anyone who ventures too near. Your behavior patterns are firmly entrenched and you are too old to change.
I have no doubt you will continue this behavior pattern with the next woman you meet, and you will continue it until you drive her away, too. You like to drive women away - like to get them so fed up that they leave. That feeds your sickness in a number of ways:
it takes the burden of decision-making off of YOU;
* it enables you to play the martyr over being left by this cruel, horrible woman;
* it gets you sympathy from your next prospect.
You like hurting other people and you have no intention of changing. And that's why I left you.
And don't bother with the "I'm a wonderful sensitive human being who would never cause anyone harm; you've misunderstood me". Oh no. I have not. I have understood you at last.
I understand now how you messed with my mind and made me even fear for my own sanity, how you exploited me emotionally, how you hurt me to the point where I actually felt suicidal. I notice the neat sidestepping from any responsibility by you, how you discredit my (real) pain as a fake attempt to manipulate you. No wonder you would think this. It's called PROJECTION. It's what YOU would do in such a situation, so you project your own screwed up motives onto others.
For someone who is so wounded, so sensitive, so compassionate, so victimized, so gentle - your letters bristle with anger, threats, and nastiness. I thought you were incapable of such things, Gandhi. And you sure are lacking in any compassion at all for the women you've tormented - you have none for your wife and you have none for me. And no doubt you'll have none for your next victim.
You chose your life, and you choose to be this way. You choose it every day. You could change, and learn to be a person of truth, strength and integrity, but you choose not to. It's easier to sit in your shit and cry about how you are victimized while you are busy victimizing others. This is the life you've chosen. You have chosen to be unhappy, and to inflict unhappiness on others.
And *I* have chosen to kick your ass to the curb. Goodbye, Martyr Man, and good riddance.
FROM THIS GREAT SITE!
Sunday, April 15, 2018
Charmer/ Abusers and their 'Prey'
Obviously, we want to know how we ever get caught up in a spiderweb in the first place. If we were conscious of what we were doing, we would not be doing it. Or at least, a great number of us would not be doing it. This personality that I refer to as Charmer/Abuser.
You need to view a charmer/abuser as someone who probably does not have the same values as you at all. They are a chameleon because it serves their purpose. They quickly "put on" whatever "you are" and "need" in order to use you for whatever they need from you. They are, indeed, a great sales person. The kind that "does not" repel you in the beginning, but instead, almost magically draws you closer and closer and closer very quickly. How do they gain entrance into your life? Read the following and take the time to look back over your life. There is opportunity here for life changes.
A charmer/abuser looks for victims with the following characteristics (just one will do):
- low self-esteem,
- a past with a lot of trauma,
- abusive parent(s),
- fairy tale type thinking (i.e. - everyone has "some good" in them),
- maybe even someone with a little rebelliousness (to some degree...),
- or a history of relationships with males that were abusive
They look for the "red flashing lights" and become a ready-made ally for you in some way. If you are a single mother, he might all "too quickly" become super-man, because he knows how vulnerable you are in this respect.
They quickly want to become physical with you because once that happens, you instantly have a cloud over your eyes. Charmer/abuser's know this about women, especially wounded women and they use it to their utmost advantage. If the sex is good, they assume you will follow them anywhere. Charmer/abuser's know that touch and physical gratification in the sexual realm is like a drug for you. It's almost like heroin for some women who have been sexually abused. It tells a woman, in an instant "microwave push-button" sort of way that they are wanted, worthy and valuable. Of course, this is so very far from the truth. But, it works. It works very well. And Charmer/abuser's know that whatever radar you did have going on will now be majorly disconnected. Kind of like the burglar who snips all the wires to the phone and the electricity before entering the home to steal the valuables.
He listens to what you tell him about how people have controlled or manipulated you in the past and he uses the same weapons, but may employ different maneuvers so you don't recognize it. For example, you say that you could not stand it when your last boyfriend was jealous of you all the time. He then never berates you like the other boyfriend did by always flying off the handle, but might take a more quiet and passive route of doing it. He may just drop little hints constantly, but in such a way that you can't really call him on. It just becomes the continual dripping faucet in your life.
He's always calling you when you're supposed to be home for no apparent reason, or calling you right when you are to be home, or later that night he shows up with a convincing reason, but really might be more along the lines of are you really alone? But, it's just really hard to nail him on his jealousy because he isn't really blatant about it in your book. This is "blatant", but "you don't recognize it as that". This is the important thing to see here. He will take advantage of your "cloudiness" here and will disguise it as him just caring about you in some way. And you will hesitate time and time again to really call it for what it is.
Charmer/Abuser's will capitalize on your need to be needed in their life. And you are needed by them. Otherwise, they would not be reeling you in. They know that you are going to equate your worth, as a woman, based on how much you can do for them and be "needed" by them. And... they do need you, for something (sex, money, fun, a place to live...). So, consequently, in their mind it's a fair trade. You need to be needed and they need something from you.
Do not kid yourself into believing this is going to be a fair trade. They stroke your ego and your emotional side for awhile and they drain from you whatever they want. There is no need for them to have a conscience about this, because it's like any other sales contract. If you don't read the fine print, (which is what this writing is about) it's "buyer beware" and tough luck. A deal's a deal.
You can project your own interpretation on it all you want. In fact, they want you to. They are counting on that. But... your projection, regardless of how much you believe it... doesn't ever make it fact. You buy the illusion, and they make a sale!
Now which is it that is really more important here? Is it the need for you to get something of worth, or is it more important for you to be lied to because it feels familiar to you? Do you have an intense need to be sold to? If so, then who was the person in your past that you loved and yet they lied to you by what they said and how they treated you? Little girls believe very easily - when they are looking up to a very important man in their lives. They are larger than life and you are not able to look at them realistically using a child's mind. If they betrayed you, abandoned you, rejected you, or assaulted you in any way you are apt to make excuses for them because you need them in your life in some way.
A grown-up version of this will allow themselves to become prey to a charmer/abuser and you constantly second-guess your own thoughts and feelings and will make endless excuses for this man. You will just automatically think and feel with your little girl mind in this scenario of having a man in your life. Whereas in other areas of your life you may be very mature, grown-up and responsible.
You will not always do this if you will allow yourself to learn why you do what you do and how to gradually prevent it. It took time to lay down the foundation of what is unhealthy in your life. It will take time to rip it up and replace it with what is good and constructive. Again, time is your friend.
Charmer/Abuser's need for you to quickly put them into your inner circle whereby you consider them to be of like-minds with you, a kindred spirit, soul-mate sort of thing. When that happens - you basically dismiss a lot of red flags because you have completely validated them as being like you in some majorly important ways. This are usually sensitive issues. Where you "really live" kind of issues. Therefore, you cannot possibly suspect them of a lot of things. It would be like putting yourself on trial!
Think about this one very hard. It is one of the worst "snags" that will hook you and take a great deal from you when the hook is ultimately withdrawn. They find that platform where you have your deepest hurts and strongest opinions and they become your ally, your cheerleader, your confidant, your defender, etc., etc. And "poof" you're sucked in hook, line and sinker.
Oftentimes, the very people who have wounded you the worst, are the very same kind of people that can empathize with you the best. And why wouldn't they? A predator knows his victims very well. They study them. They have to, in order to trap them. That's why I write things like this. We need to "study them" as well. It's called - playing "offense" instead of "defense". Learning to be savvy - will work on our part. Rest very assured - they will do "their homework" regarding "you". Be willing to be as quick to forgive yourself when it comes to making a mistake of character as you are quick to forgive them over and over and over again.
Charmer/Abuser's do NOT respect you as as a person at all... BUT... they will go to great lengths to convince you that they do.They will quickly put you up on a high pedestal, where they supposedly worship at your feet. No one in the world is more beautiful or more important in their lives. You are the bomb! Just remember here that I use the word "quickly" a lot. Someone genuinely thinking you're wonderful and all that isn't necessarily bad. But, it is highly suspicious when it happens very, very quickly. Sure, in some rare case, you could just click if you meet the right person. But, I warn you about making this your basis for all your relationships. You are a sitting duck.
Genuine feelings that really matter in the long run take time and THEY don't have time. They have to do everything quickly. They want what they want and they want it NOW. So, hurry up and "get charmed", so this ball game can get underway! That's the way they want it!
They are counting on your need to get instantly stroked all the way around as their "in". This is your blind side and they go right for it. "Make her feel like a princess early on and she will eat out of your hand." They will educate you on how women in their past have not met the mark with them. How they have failed them in some respect. It's called - giving you a challenge you cannot resist as a woman. Especially, if you are a woman who sees her worth being linked to how much she is needed by a man.
They are basically saying to you "here, see what you can do. Prove to me, that you are worthy and prove to me that you can be better than all these other women. Do the impossible! I'm waiting..." And that's just what an abuse victim loves to hear... and Charmer/Abusers know this. Abused women - are very used to being superhuman and performing the impossible and having to work for every sliver of love and attention they get. So, this challenge is more like alcohol being sat in front of an alcoholic.
Charmer/Abusers hit you hard and heavy. They call you a lot, they want to be with you a lot. They will not respect your need for personal space, but will disguise with - just have to be with you because I can't get you out of my mind. They will usually talk to a lot about how wonderful they are, especially in the areas of "what you need them to be". It will be tailor made, just for you. They will dazzle you with their dance and try to effectively shut down all your protective barriers. They will also want to pull you away from your friends, family and children. They need to be tuned into just them, if they are going to effectively charm you in a small amount of time.
Like any teacher in any classroom they have to have your undivided attention in order to "teach you" what they want you to learn. So, they don't want you comparing notes with anyone else or getting someone else's read on them. Someone who isn't blind to them will see them for what they are and tell you. They want to get you in that "cloudy zone" as soon as possible where you are wrapped up with them physically and are providing them with what they need so you feel very validated and valued.
They know that once you get effectively hooked in this regard you will vehemently fight off anyone, including your own flesh and blood in order to keep this realm of "importance" that you've got going on here. They count on you to do just that. They load the gun for you and "you" pick it up and use it. That way their hands are clean. You did their dirty work for them. You end up driving away the very people that could help you the most said all that to say this...
Time is your friend, use it wisely. If there is one thing that is going to serve you well in the arena of protection it is to hesitate, step back, go more slowly than you usually do. Read this often and "think" about what is going on - while it is going on.
If you see at anytime this is happening - you do not owe anyone a thick book on how or why you came to your conclusion to back off and cut it off. Charmer/Abusers are absolutely great at convincing you that you owe them "a good reason. And they choose if the 'reason' is good enough. As if, they are some powerfully important figure in your life. If they are doing this to you, they are obviously NOT important to you and should not be have that title as you are leaving the relationship.
I don't know how many times I see this and it is the killer snag that eventually pulls them back into the web. And I've seen women who are almost all the way out and have put many steps into walking away. But, the quick snap of this rubber band is profound. We say we are walking away, but they interpret this to mean we want to be talked back into it. Charmer/Abusers are spoiled brats. They respect nothing and no one.
They count on you not being able to forgive yourself - for making a completely wrong assessment of who they were or who you thought they were. That is one of their best and most dangerous weapons against you. If you are so proud that you cannot be humble enough to say - I made a mistake and walk away from it - they will have you for dinner a second time around, and a third and a fourth time....until....."they don't need you".... anymore.
It's high time you learn how to live offensively and be in control of your own life. It's called Learning to live Pro-active for your own well-being. A predator is completely turned off by anyone that lets time be their friend. So, if you want to know who a person is that you may be suspect of just hold them at arm's length for awhile. Make them wait for everything.
The person who is genuinely interested in you won't push. And they won't try and dazzle you in any way. They will... wait. If they don't do this and you jump... you are in for a ride. Just know it up front and put on your seat belt.
Just always look at what you are doing and if you find it really hard to stop engaging long enough to be rational just remember that if this person has become a larger than life dominant factor in your life... they are not this godlike image of what your father or ex was or should have been. They are what they are and you have a good enough mind to call it what it is. A lie.
Please give yourself permission to see it just like it is with your adult mind, not your little girl mind. Super heroes are fairy tales. Real villians can do much damage while wearing superman's cape. In fact they can get away with anything and everything. Do not give them that power. Take your power back.
What is real and true and good for you will come by way of... you believing you have the right to choose and not be chosen.
Why? Because we still talk to them. We get caught up in telling them why and why not and how and when, etc., etc. They put US on trial for what they did! We feel like we owe them all this. Whether we like it or not, we are giving great power to someone who does not consider our best interests at all.
Saturday, April 14, 2018
Abuser Red Flags/ Victim Red Flags
We believe that we have identified some of the "early warning" signs that we missed in ourselves and our abusers. Note that the abuser can be male or female; the victim can also be either male or female. Not every behavior listed below will be exhibited by a single individual. However, you may want to question your relationship if you find that a large number of these behaviors appear in yourself or your partner.
Watch out for these behaviors in your partner. Members of my support group believe that these are warning signs that this person may be an abuser. Note that the abuser can be male or female.
- Jealous of time or resources you give others.
- Gets angry if you spend "too much time" with friends, family, or children.
- Insists that it is "a bad time" to talk to family on the phone.
- Feels that resources are "wasted" if given to children.
- Gets angry if you do favors for other people or give them things.
- Would rather throw something away than give it to someone else.
- Is disinterested in or feels threatened by your personal desires or goals.
- Finds your hobbies boring, pointless, unproductive, or a waste of time.
- Is uncooperative about attending parties or events that interest you.
- Picks a fight or creates a crisis just before an event that is important to you.
- States or implies that your interests should not interfere with spending time with them.
- Is rude or inconsiderate of others in a self-centered way.
- Insists on discussing something with you while you are trying to read or watch television.
- Expects you to be the one who answers the door or telephone.
- Expects you to drop what you are doing when summoned.
- Interrupts others while talking on a consistent basis.
- Will not act to accommodate others' convenience or comfort.
- Won't go outside to smoke
- Will not turn down TV or radio while others are talking.
- Is unconcerned and unapologetic if rude behavior is pointed out.
- Does not respect your right to make your own decisions.
- Insists that your decision "affects them" and therefore should be a "joint" decision.
- Gets angry or hurt if you don't take their advice.
- Criticizes or questions the wisdom of decisions that you make without their input.
- Considers their own logic or intellect to be superior to all others.
- Insists that their way is the "right way".
- Claims that their arguments are based on logic or sound evidence and that yours are not.
- Places no value on decisions made based on feelings or intuition.
- Believes that any opinion you have is invalid, illogical, hysterical, or selfish.
- Is completely intolerant of any criticism of their own behavior.
- Is confident that their employer and/or employees are all defective somehow.
- Considers your friends to be idiots.
- Extremely opinionated and critical of others
- Racist or sexist.
- Dogmatic about behavior in others.
- Unwilling to tolerate opinions that differ from their own.
- Has double standards for behavior.
- Is rude to your family.
- Dislikes your family.
- Has "trouble" at work.
- Is chronically unemployed or changes jobs frequently.
- Explains employment set-backs as some sort of victimization.
- Believes that their boss treats them poorly.
- Believes that their co-workers are working against them.
- Disregards laws or social customs that interfere with their own goals or pleasure.
- Sees no point in observing holidays or giving gifts.
- Is disinterested in following family or religious customs.
- Believes that people who work hard for a living are "suckers".
- Is scornful of the government or the "system".
- Uses illegal drugs.
- Is very concerned about their public image.
- Treats you better in public than in private.
- Gets angry at you if they believe that you have somehow made them look bad to others.
- Brags about you or your accomplishments to others, but never compliments you in private.
- Attempts to make you jealous or insecure
- Threatens to leave you.
- Hints or states that they have other lovers waiting on the side.
- Compares you to previous lovers.
- Admires strangers and compares you to them.
- Tells you that no one will ever care about you the way they do.
- Is jealous and suspicious.
- Accuses you of infidelity.
- Insists that friends of the opposite sex are trying to seduce you.
- States or implies that you got a job offer or interview because of your appearance.
- Doesn't want you to take part in an activity or outing because you might meet someone else there.
- Rushes the relationship
- Pressures you to move in together.
- Pressures you to have sex before you are ready.
- Proposes marriage early in the relationship.
- Does not respect your privacy
- Reads your diary or journal.
- Opens your mail.
- Goes through your drawers and desk.
- Manipulates others to achieve their goals
- Uses guilt trips.
- Does things that are dishonest or illegal.
- Attempts to coerce you into doing things that make you uncomfortable.
- Threatens suicide or homicide if you don't cooperate with them.
- Lectures you endlessly until you agree.
- Is easily angered at others who interfere with their activities.
- Engages in "Road Rage".
- Reactions are out of proportion to level of inconvenience.
- Is intolerant of children or animals.
- Will not get up to feed or change the baby.
- Is unwilling to have pets or children because of the mess or inconvenience.
- Shows preferential treatment between children (especially "natural" vs. "step" children).
- Believes that children don't deserve the level of treatment or support as adults.
- Insists that THEY are the victim in the relationship.
- Accuses you of being selfish, rude, self-centered, uncooperative, etc.
- Claims that you are the one undermining the relationship.
- Accuses you of not loving them or not caring about them.
- Threatens suicide or homicide if you leave them.
- Lack of empathy
- Inability to put themselves in another's shoes.
- Unwilling to provide comfort to others unless "blame" clearly lies elsewhere.
- Makes minimal effort to care for others when sick or injured while complaining about the inconvenience.
- Cruel to animals.
- Considers donations to charity a waste.
- Unable to acknowledge or respond to pain in others/ or you that is not clearly visible.
- Turns up TV when you have a headache
- Insists on spicy food when you have an upset stomach
- Expects you to help with chores when you are feeling sick.
- Tears down your self esteem and erodes your confidence.
- Tone of voice unreasonably deriding or scornful for the situation.
- Questions your ability to do simple things.
- Asks you to make a decision and then rejects your decision. Often asking you to decide over again.
- Accuses you of being overly sensitive to criticism.
- Calls you names.
- Criticizes you openly.
- Interferes with or attempts to control your career.
- Pressures you to quit or change your job.
- Thinks that your employer interferes with your marriage.
- Thinks that your co-workers/employer/employees are defective somehow.
- Attempts to resolve conflicts you have at work for you.
- Seeks to "help you" with your career, and is upset if you don't cooperate.
- Attempts to choose your job or work projects for you.
- Punishes you or threatens to punish you for "misbehaving
- Strands you somewhere.
- Gives you the "silent treatment".
- Yells at you.
- Lectures you.
- Believes that a "discussion" about your relationship is more important that any other obligation or activity.
- Makes you late to work or social activities because they want to discuss something.
- Picks a fight with you at bedtime and then won't let you go to sleep for hours.
Watch out for these behaviors in yourself. Members of my support group believe that these are warning signs of low self esteem and behaviors that set you up to be abused.
- Fear of failure, and extreme insecurity about your own competance
- Try hard to conceal or downplay any mistakes you make.
- Are afraid to be seen as stupid, lazy, or weak.
- Feel that you are "supposed" to be able to handle a situation or task.
- Fear that others will think less or you if you quit.
- Believe that no excuse is good enough for a mistake you have made.
- Willing to overlook other people's flaws or mistakes.
- Believe everyone else but you is perfect and has a good reason for making a mistake.
- Believe that you can help others "live up to their potential".
- Not trusting your own judgment.
- Feel as though your opinion is not as "worthy" as someone else's.
- Find a "logical" argument to disregard your "inner voice" or gut feeling.
- Assume that criticism you receive from others is valid.
- Need another person's input before you can make a decision.
- Not feeling that you deserve to be treated well.
- Are willing to go to great inconvenience and trouble to avoid causing someone else inconvenience.
- Don't want to appear "demanding" or to be considered a "trouble maker"
- Assume that if someone treats you poorly then you must have done something wrong.
- Expect and accept criticism when you have completed a task.
- Are unwilling to be disruptive to the relationship.
- Avoid discussing issues that you fear will upset your partner.
- Are unwilling to break off a bad relationship because you don't want to hurt your partner.
- Secretly wish that your partner would die, move away, find someone else, or offer to leave the relationship.
- Allow others to make most decisions.
- Let someone else make all the decisions with no input or discussion from you.
- Allow others to talk you into a decision you don't like.
- Make a decision to please others rather than yourself.
- Choose a course of action because you don't want to hurt a particular person's feelings.
- Find it easier to "go along" with others decision rather than stand your ground.
- Hide behind "womanly tasks" like cooking, etc. - rather than dealing with reality.
- Behave as though you agree with others, even when you don't.
- "Parrot" someone else's opinions or behaviors.
- Keep quiet when you disagree with something
- - Allowing someone to think by your silence that you agree with them even if you don't.
- - Thinking that the subject is not worth an argument.
- Act to "protect" others at your own expense.
- Won't break up with a significant other strictly to avoid hurting their feelings.
- Avoid saying what you want or need to say because you don't want to hurt someone.
- Accept blame that is not yours to protect someone else.
- Giving up things that are important to you to please others.
- Give up hobbies or activities that aren't shared or approved of.
- Give away or sell precious momentos because they "clutter up the place".
- Keep photos or momentos in storage rather than display them because your abuser doesn't like them.
- Isolate yourself from all people other than your abuser.
- Allow friendships with people your abuser dislikes to wither away.
- Visit or call family less and less because your abuser dislikes them.
- Spend less time with friends, family, or co-workers because it "takes too much time".
- Never go anywhere without your abuser.
- Conceal your abusers behavior from others.
- Believe that others "wouldn't understand" why a situation or behavior is "justified".
- Are embarrassed that you allow yourself to be treated this way.
- Have been asked or coerced by your abuser to not tell.
- Are afraid of being accused of "making them look bad".
- Take responsibility for things that are not your responsibility.
- "Help" resolve other people's conflicts by acting as mediator
- Apologize for things that OTHER people did.
- "Cover" for people who are not handling their own responsibilities.
- Accept more than your fair share of blame in a conflict.
- Apologize just so that the fight will end, not because you think you did something wrong.
- Fix, clean up, or conceal something done by someone else to avoid being accused of having done it.
- Attraction to authority figures.
- Attracted to the smart, self-confident, powerful people.
- Attempt to prove your worth to them.
- Are thrilled if they "bother" to notice you.
- Assume that their advice is sound.